Monday, February 20, 2012

Sexists jokes about wife

Wife  dying


Husband texts to wife on cell..
"Hi, what r u doing Darling?"
Wife: I'm dying..!
Husband jumps with joy but types "Sweet Heart, how can I live without U?"
Wife: "U idiot! I'm dying my hair.."
Husband: "Bloody English Language!

Nota:  Dying nesse contexto tem 2 significados: 1. Na fala do marido = morrendo; 2. Na fala da mulher = tingir o cabelo.
An Angry Wife To Her Husband 0n Phone:  
"Where d Hell Are You ...?"
Husband: Darling You Remember That Jewellery Shop Where You Saw The Diamond Necklace n Totally Fell In Love With It n I Didn't Have Money That Time n I said "Baby It'll Be Yours 1 Day ... "O:)
Wife, With A Smile & Blushing: Yeah I Remember That My Love!
Husband: I ‘m in the Pub Just Next To That Shop

An Airline Introduced A Special Package For Business Men. Buy Ur Ticket Get Ur Wife's Ticket Free. After Great Success, The Company Sent Letters To All The Wives Asking How Was The Trip.
All Of Them Gave A Same Reply..."Which Trip?"

Husband was seriously ill. Doc to wife: Give him healthy breakfast, be pleasant & in gud mood, don’t discuss ur problems, no tv serial, don’t demand new clothes & gold jewels,
Do this for 1 yr & he will be ok.
On the way home.. Husband: what did the doc say ?
Wife:- .No chance for u to survive

''An Intelligent Wife Is One Who Makes Sure She Spends So Much
That Her Husband Can't Afford Another Women"

Woman Buys A New Sim Card Puts It In Her Phone And Decides To Surprise Her Husband Who Is Seated On The Couch In The Living Room. She Goes To The Kitchen, Calls Her Husband With The New Number: "Hello Darling"
The Husband Responds In A Low Tone: "Let Me Call U Back Later Honey, The Dumb Lady Is In The Kitchen..

A Wife Treats Hubby By Taking Him To A Lap Dance Club For His Birthday ..
At The Club: Doorman Says: Hi Jim How R You?
Wife Asks: How Does He Know You?           
Jim Says: Oh Dear, I Play Football with Him
Inside Barman Says: The Usual Jim ?          
Jim Says To Wife: Before You Say Anything, He's On the Darts Team in My Local
Next A Lap Dancer Says: Hi Jim       
Do You Crave Special Again?
The Wife Storms Out Dragging Jim With Her & Jumps Into A Taxi..
Driver Says "Hey Jimmy Boy, You Picked Up An Ugly One This Time.."
Jim's Funeral Is On Sunday
 
Cool Msg by a woman: Dear Mother-in-law, "Don't Teach me how 2 handle my children, I'm living with one of yours & he needs a lot of improvement"
A Sweet demand by a kid. 
A kid was beaten by his mom. Dad came n asked - what happen son?      
Kid said-I can’t adjust with your wife anymore, I want my own.

In an African Safari, A LION suddenly bounced on Santa's wife.      
WIFE: Shoot him! Shoot him!         
SANTA: Yes, Yes. I'm changing d battery of my camera..

Nota:  Shoot na fala da mulher = atirar, matar a tiros; Na fala do marido = filmar, tirar fotos.

Husband was throwing knives on wife’s picture. All were missing the target!        
Suddenly he received call from her "Hi, what r u doing?"   
His honest reply, "MISSING U"

Nota: Miss tem 2 sentidos nessa piada: 1. Miss the target = Errar o alvo; 2. Miss you = sentir saudades. 
A piada ocorre pelo fato da última frase poder ser interpretada como: estou errando o alvo, não estou acertando as facas em sua foto!


When a married man says "I'll think about it",
What he really means that,  He doesn't know his wife's opinion yet..

A Lady to Doctor:    
My husband has d habit of talking in sleep! what should i give him to cure? 
Dr: Give him an Opportunity to speak when he is awake


Having "WIFE" Is A Part Of Living...
But Having "GIRLFRIEND" Along With The "WIFE" Is Art Of Living.
It is said that Husband is the head of the family, but remember that wife is the Neck of the family & the Neck can turn the Head exactly the way she wants.

Wife: Do you want dinner?  
Husband: Sure, what are my choices?        
Wife: Yes and no.

What is the Difference between Mother & Wife?     
A - One Woman Brings U into this world crying... & the other ensures U Continue to do so.

Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman.    
Interviewer: "What were you before you married her?"     
Millionaire: "A Billionaire"

Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?       
Darling: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Darling: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem Can there be greater than this one?

Wife: honey, what r u looking 4?     
Husband: nothing
Wife: why have u been reading our marriage certificate 4 an hour?           
Husband: i was just looking 4 the expiry date

Husband asks: Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means...     
Without Information, Fighting Everytime!
WIFE says: No darling, it means:   With Idiot For Ever

Wife: I wish I was a newspaper so I would be in ur hands all day.
Husband: I too wish that u were a newspaper so I could have a new one every day.

A man in Hell asked Devil:   
Can I make a call to my Wife?         
After making call he asked how much to pay.         
Devil: Nothing, Hell to hell is Free.

HUSBAND and WIFE are like 2 tyres of a vehicle. If 1 punctures, the vehicle can't move further
Moral: Always Keep a SPARE TYRE....

What's the similarity between chewing gum & begum (wife) ??     
Both are sweet at the beginning and become tasteless, shapeless and chipku in the end...

LOVE IS LIFE           
LIFE IS WIFE           
WIFE IS KNIFE and  
KNIFE IS DANGEROUS

Wife Running After A Garbage Truck:          
Am I Too Late For The Garbage?
Hubby Following Her Yelled: Not Yet.          
Jumpppp Innnn Fastttt.

A man came home late at night after a party.        
His wife yelled:        
"how would you feel if you don't see me for two days?"    
The man couldn’t believe his luck: 'that would be great'!   
Monday passed and he didn’t see her......  
Tuesday and Wednesday passed too.....     
On Thursday his swelling became better    
And now he could see her from the corner of one eye.

Nota: swelling = inchação. No caso, o marido não podia ver a esposa pois estava com o olho inchado porque levou umas porradas da mulher.

Wife is dreaming in the middle of the night and suddenly shouts: "Up! Quick! My husband is back!" 
Man gets up, jumps out of the window, hurts himself, and then realizes: "Damn, I am the husband!"

You know why women starts with 'W'...      
because all questions start with "W".. !      
Who ?         
Why ?          
What ?        
When ?       
Which ?       
Whom ?      
Where ?      
&
Finally Wife..!!!

Nobody teaches Volcanoes to erupt, Tsunamis to devastate, Hurricanes to sway around & no one teaches How to choose a Wife, 
NATURAL DISASTERS JUST HAPPEN.

Difference between Friend & Wife
U can Tell ur Friend "U r my Best Friend"    
But Do u have courage tell to ur Wife "U r my Best Wife?"

Wife: yesterday-night I saw a dream that u were sending me jewellery and clothes!
Husband: yeah, I saw your dad paying the bill!!!


A recently fired stock trader said ...
"This is worse than divorce...  I have lost everything  and I still have my wife..."


Message of the year:-         
Women live a better, longer & peaceful life..!!        
Why? Very simple...
A woman does not have a wife..!!!


Husband to a newly wed wife: I could go to the end of the world for you. 
Wife: Thanks, but promise me you will stay there for the rest of your life.

Judge: why did u shoot ur wife instead of shooting her lover?
Sardar: Your honour, it's easier to shoot a woman once, than shooting one man every week.

Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace, so here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: Doc, when should I give them to him?          
Doctor: They are for you.!!
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